story = fail..
needs more boobies
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Comments
EPIC FAIL.
if you don't like shy guys then DON'T read this story!
there was shyguys in the story?!?!
when was this ?
the dudes name is NINJA GUY!
I'm just saying, it's fucking retarded.
then don't comment or read.
I didn't see no fucking shy guys!
ninja guy is a name for a shy guy. plus Mario metions it.
I want the 5 minuets of my life back that it took me to read threw this drivel!!!
okay get them back.
My friend Kinsei is right, I want the damn 5 minutes of my life that were robbed of me whilst reading this faggotry you call a STORY.
get them back if you want them.
I read this story. It's terribly flawed with plot holes, improper spelling and bad grammar.
oh well. i'll fill in the holes later. and i don't care about the grammer and spelling.
Gtfo.
Gtfo you to.
I suggest that you describe the scene in your writing. It helps.
thanks i'll do that in the next episode.
Hi! Danny88 again! Just saying that you should really leave NG just like how ice is leaving tomorrow. How about you join him!
And you should blow Wade for even letting you join this site.
grr...
You're a faggot, you should leave NG and never come back you cunt.
faggot means different.
It's only dialogue. You don't even have it in quotations. Dialogue should read as such:
"ALRIGHT BRING IT ON!" Mario roared.
It reads better, brings the reader in more, and separates from the very little action you do have in the tale. You should also try describing the scenes rather than putting a quick scene change in brackets. Most of a story is in the actions rather than the dialogue, and you can even take out a lot of dialogue if you have good meat beyond that.
icefire23
a perfect story Can't wat for more.